When Brad Skelly and Shona Manderson met – at the altar, as you do – their chemistry was palpable. Fast-forward three weeks, and the Married At First Sight couple have separated and left the show, with fans accusing Brad of love-bombing Shona.
Love-bombing is the process of bombarding a new partner with affection to establish a close bond. It's often "an attempt to influence and manipulate a partner by repeated and intense demonstrations of attention and affection, such as bombarding with gifts or messages,” explained Ruth Davison, Refuge's chief executive officer. “It is commonly used by perpetrators of domestic abuse to assert power and control.”
A Channel 4 spokesperson confirmed that Brad and Shona had left the TV show, adding, “The relationships on Married at First Sight UK are closely monitored off-screen by production and an independent psychologist. If any of the relationships develop in a way that is deemed to be potentially unhealthy for either party, we would take expert psychological advice as to whether it was time for them to leave the process.” Their relationship reportedly ended after leaving the show. While Married At First Sight has undoubtedly sparked an important conversation about love-bombing, it's worth remembering that all footage of the couples undergoes an extensive edit before it's aired on our screens. Brad has denied being controlling towards Shona.
Whether it's on our TV screens or in our lives, love bombing is more common than we'd like to think. It's a serious red flag in any relationship, especially when seemingly loving acts such as sending flowers and gifts, texting and calling – among other behaviours – are used to assert control over another person.
The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) has recently updated its guidance on the ways in which abusive partners can emotionally and physically manipulate and control people, and love-bombing has officially been added to this list.
The guidance says prosecutors should consider whether these acts form part of the course of conduct.
What is love bombing?
“Love-bombing is when somebody bombards a person with affection and attention, compliments, praise and gifts,” explains Dr. Sarah Davies, Counselling Psychologist and Author of 'How to Leave a Narcissist... For Good'. “It usually occurs when they first meet somebody or when they are first keen to impress or gain their attention and interest.”
Why is love bombing so harmful?
Have you ever supported a friend who is unable to leave a toxic relationship because “It was so good in the beginning”? Dr Sarah works with many clients who say exactly the same thing: “They find themselves stuck in abusive relationships […] holding out for the highs of being love-bombed again.”
According to Dr Sarah, love bombing often acts as “a smokescreen to other early warning signs of abuse and control.” This means that when abusive and controlling behaviours start to emerge, the victim is so “high on the intensity of the ‘love’ that they fail to recognise the warning signs and other red flags.”
So, what should you look out for if you suspect you're being love-bombed?
It can come in many forms, but often includes things like:
- Being promised heavy commitment early on
- Being complimented or gifted things non-stop
- Being showered in affection right from the off (when it's just too soon)
- They give you lots of attention and expect that back (again, when it's too soon)
- They don't respect your boundaries or try to take things personally, making you compromise on your non-negotiables
- Signs of intense jealousy - accusing you of flirting with others, making you feel guilty for having interests outside of your relationship.
Love bombing is ultimately a form of manipulation because it makes you feel a certain way that benefits the love bomber (e.g. they feel secure that they have your affection). What might look sweet and cute at the start can quickly turn sour.
Love-bombing may also often be used as part of reconciliation after a victim has pulled back from an abuser after a particular incident of abuse.
What should you do if a friend is being love-bombed?
It can be incredibly difficult to support a friend who is being love-bombed – they may feel like they've finally “met the one” or that they're in love. Dr Sarah tells GLAMOUR, “It's important to point out the red flags to your friend. Explain what you are observing with examples of both the love-bombing behaviours and how you see your friend responding to or being affected by this.”
She adds, “Comparing any current love-bombing with examples of healthier behaviours can help somebody recognise the differences. Generally speaking, abusive relationships almost always start with being incredibly intense and full-on while healthier relationships can take time. It takes time to really get to know and trust others.”
Where to seek help if you are being love-bombed
If any of our love bombing examples sound familiar and you're worried about someone's behaviour, help is available.
Charities such as Refuge, Women’s Aid and Solace can all help women and children find support in abusive relationships. There's also Galop, which is dedicated to LGBT+ people, Men’s Advice Line for men, and Southall Black Sisters to Black and ethnic minority women.
And finally, Dr Sarah recommends: “It's important to remember that intensity is not the same as intimacy.”
For more information about emotional abuse and domestic abuse, you can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247.
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